I was diagnosed with breast cancer at age 40: Part 3

 Make sure to read  Part 1 ( Diagnosis) and Part 2 ( surgeries). 

So here we are, one full year after my diagnosis. This is going to be very raw and vulnerable and honest. If you are going through breast cancer yourself and want me to paint it as daisies and roses, you may not want to read this. 

First of all, my husband was insanely supportive. Just exactly what I needed in this time. I know he prayed for me, and not just for healing, but for whatever I was dealing with emotionally or spiritually. 

I would like to say that I shared every single detail with my church family and that I was there every single service praising the Lord for his blessings. 

I was blessed. 

They caught it early. 

It hadn't spread. 

It wasn't genetic, meaning my two daughters didn't get some breast cancer gene from me. 

I didn't have to do radiation or chemo.

I truly saw the blessings of the Lord through this situation. 

But also I was in a dark spot mentally. I was sick of getting surgeries, I was sick of going to the doctors. There were times I didn't want to go to church because I didn't want people to ask me how I was. I didn't want people to look at my with pity. I didn't want to sit through worship songs and hymns and cry. My body did not look like it once did. I didn't feel feminine or pretty. Again- just being honest here. 

I did cry most days, especially the first probably 5 months. It wasn't until about February of 2023 that I felt like I could breathe and hold my head above water. 

In fact one of my doctors suggested I try an antidepressant just to get me through the first few months. I took two doses then broke out head to toe (literally) in hives and ended up in the emergency room. So I didn't take that anymore and was hesitant to try any other medications for such. 

I had two songs that  I listened to pretty much on repeat most days. 

The first was The Goodness of God by CeCe Winans and the second was Never a Time by The Perry's. 

I did feel the presence of the Lord and his comfort. I felt his guidance and asked for wisdom on many occasions. But, I also worried a lot about the future and what my life might look like. You think a lot of things when you have a cancer diagnosis. I just wanted all the surgeries, doctor appointments, medicines etc. to be over with. I wanted my life to go back to how it was. 

If you are still reading this, bless you. It has been cathartic to write it down. I'm certainly on the other side looking back across what was a hard year. I still have my tissue expanders to deal with, and then my implant surgeries, but the cancer is out - which gives me a reason to sigh with relief.